How to Tell If Someone Has Low Self-Esteem

No matter where you work or which country you live in, you'll most likely run into people with low self-esteem. They are usually reserved and quiet. It's easy to overlook their presence in the room.

When they do talk, they might need reassurance or avoid making decisions. But these people might have great ideas. Whether you have to work with people who have low self-esteem or lack confidence yourself, you might want to learn how to tell if someone has low self-esteem.

This article will teach you exactly that and also how to communicate effectively with people with low self-esteem.

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Why Self-Worth Issues Can Develop

According to attachment theory, one of the most influential psychological frameworks, every child learns to understand themselves through their caregivers: parents, siblings, grandparents, teachers, etc.

When responsible caregivers react to a child with compassion, empathy, and understanding, the child has a secure base to develop healthy self-esteem. But if not, self-worth issues develop as a survival mechanism.

For example, let's imagine Charlotte, a girl who grew up with cold and dismissive parents. This case is taken from the attachment style test, which points out that Charlotte's psyche will desperately seek an explanation for what’s going on at home. For a little girl's brain, it'd be easier to find reason in herself than to leave these things unexplained.

The following self-worth issues, lack of boundaries, perfectionism, chameleon personality are just the brain's attempts to adapt to the conclusion that Charlotte is the reason parents are dismissive. It's a cognitive bias; the brain found a correlation where none existed. But now a person can have the following signs of low self-esteem.

7 Signs of Low Confidence

The information below is for informational purposes only. It cannot be used with harmful intentions.

1. Not Taking Sides in Conflicts

"I'm fine with anything," "I fully agree with you," "I have nothing to add." These and similar phrases are extremely common among those with low confidence.

A prominent sign of low confidence is fear of being judged. When you express a clear position or an opinion, there's a higher likelihood that someone will disagree with you. It's normal for people to have different opinions, but people with low self-esteem treat disagreement as rejection of their whole personality.

Hence, they might develop what's known as a "Chameleon" personality. It means agreeing with different perspectives and expressing various interests depending on who surrounds the person. This people-pleasing helps them get validation, but in the long run, this can disconnect a person from her own values.

2. Lying About Achievements

Exaggerating or slightly altering achievements can sometimes be a sign of underlying insecurity. This usually comes from a fear that the real version of oneself may not be "impressive enough."

This behavior is also connected to a need for external validation. People with low self-esteem don't have a secure base that would self-soothe and support them. Hence, they need approval from others to feel at least slightly better about themselves.

A quick note: lying about achievement may or may not be intentional. In some cases, the person themselves may not fully realize they are doing this. It can become an automatic response, so don't be judgmental from the start.

3. Compliment Fishing

Okay, so it's clear that low self-esteem may show up in self-deprecating speech. A person with no confidence won't be able to accept compliments or talk about their achievements.

Some people may talk badly about themselves to quickly boost their ego. How? They talk badly about themselves, and their interlocutors start denying it and proving the opposite. It's called "compliment fishing."

It's also usually unintentional and automatic. Firstly, modesty is a highly valuable personal characteristic. Secondly, external validation still matters more to people with low confidence than inner peace.

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4. Taking Beaten Paths

Do you know people who don't like change, don't take risks, don't try new things? They simply live in their comfortable bubble. Although they realize they can do better, they don't want to put in extra effort. Such people may lack confidence.

This behavior is driven by fear:

If you have to interact with such people, remember that choosing the "safe" option is a way to protect oneself from discomfort. While this may reduce anxiety in the short term, it can also limit growth and reinforce the belief that one is not capable of handling challenges.

5. Putting Others Down

There are two types of people with low self-esteem. The first type criticizes itself, and the second type criticizes others. Let's talk about the second type.

This behavior is less about degrading the other person and more about confirming, "I am good because someone else is bad." By lowering someone else, it can momentarily ease feelings of inadequacy. Because this relief is based on a wrong assumption ("I am good because someone else is bad"), its effects are short-lived and frequently followed by guilt or self-doubt.

Low confidence through devaluation of others can look like:

6. Over-apologizing

Saying "sorry" for expressing a preference, asking a question, or taking up space is a telling sign that someone has low self-esteem. It can be a consequence of people-pleasing and seeing yourself as the root cause of all problems.

If someone learned early on that conflict or tension needed to be avoided, apologizing is just muscle memory. It can also reflect a belief that one's needs are less important than those of others.

7. Taking Everything Personally

Taking everything personally comes from overthinking. Overthinking comes from the belief that everything depends on one person and that they're responsible for everybody's feelings.

This sensitivity often develops when self-esteem depends heavily on external validation. If a person already doubts their value, they may be more likely to assume that others see them negatively as well. As a result, a simple message, comment, or look can feel loaded with meaning.

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How to Help Someone with Low Self-Worth

Let's set the record straight first: it's not your responsibility to save someone with low self-worth. It's a personal process that requires inner willingness. Without it, all your attempts will fall flat.

However, if your acquaintance with low self-esteem asked for your help or you're responsible for them (it's your kid, subordinate, or patient), you can use these strategies to support (not fix!) them: